FOR THE FUTURE!

 Alright. Here is a life time lesson of an update. Date 17/09/2020; after all the stressful emotions with no help that I got from my thesis supervisor, it was my bachelor thesis defence date. 12 hard topics to study for defence question about university lecture questions. FINAL DAY!!. Previous night, I wasn't even able to revise everything with a solid attention. The reason was that I was just tired of all the stress of unknowns and all this Corona problems during the year 2020. The date of thesis defence was in September. Previous year I had my internship in Turkey and I was promised a place to work in Canada. A new branch of the company to provide products to American countries. I have learnt that due to unsuccessful business, company decided to close the branch in Canada. I had made all my plans according to that. Right after my last semester finished in Politechnika Warsawska, I have learnt this bad news. I was devastated with this new information that it changed the plans about the course of my future. I decided to go to an event in Warsaw which was for foreigners but many Polish people join to this events as well. I remember I had to wait at the bar to get a drink and saw this pretty girl who was waiting for a drink to order by the bar as well. I was like what the heck. Let's talk. I started a more friendly talk since I was in a bad shape and didn't really feel like hitting on the girl. As much as we talked, I have learnt that she is married and I already made my mind not to hit on her. So the conversation was more to know more about each other. We were talking what we do in Warsaw generally. I talked about my thesis topic which was person tracking on videos. She said she was a programmer too and her husband was at this event as well and she told me that her husband was looking for Python developers for his startup company. All this lead me to talk with the husband and husband took my email right the next day I had this bad news. Next day this guy sent me an email with a task to finish as a prerequisation for job interview. I wasn't believing myself at coding because I was a self taught Python programmer and I was very out of practice since my university is a challenging and very time taking one. I tried to solve the algorithm that he asked for and the main problem of the task was solved. I didn't believe in myself and also prioritized my tasks and didn't even send the code I wrote. Because I said I need to graduate first. I need to write a whole new article about my thesis so I will skip the struggles I had for my thesis for now. So I missed that chance by my selection of other path. As far as I know, I at least could have tried to send my code and see their reaction. The problem is that I didn't know anyone to see myself if I am any good and by default I thought of myself as 'NOT GOOD ENOUGH'. Or in other words, not perfect. Time passed till September till the date of my thesis defence. I wanted to say in Poland because I was in a relationship with this wonderful girl. I must say hard to find a girl like that. In a modern world of selfish individuals to save their asses without trying to understand others, This girl always supported me even through the days which you will be reading in a minute.

About my thesis supervisor though, I am a person to make my judgements about people with my gut feelings and most of the time I am correct with my decisions about people. I have always thought about my supervisor that he is a sneaky person that I couldn't predict what he could do. On the day of my thesis defence, I have finished and passed all the examination and did my presentation about my thesis topic. At the end of this 'online thesis defence examination' the chairman of the council who was my teacher at university told me that 'you are officially graduated and an engineer'. I will always remember this moment through my life. It was a moment of truth that I sacrified and worked hard for. Even better that, after a few hours my thesis supervisor contacted me that he was working on a project and he kind of meant that he was offering me a job. Next day for paperwork, I had to visit my supervisor and he finally explained about the job and it was a position that I really wanted. 4 days after my thesis defence I had to leave the dormitory which I was living. I didn't have a place and I started this inverview process for the job my thesis supervisor offered. I asked my friend for a place to stay for a week. I thought the whole process would end fast. And to be honest, I didn't have enough money to rent a place and keep it for a few months. At the same time, I applied for university dormitories to stay at least for a few months when I get the job. My plan was to save some money for the rent and deposit money to rent a room in Warsaw. I explained that I was NOT a student anymore on dormitory application website. My application was accepted but I wasn't given a room since they had to place the students firstly. In my mind, yeah sure maybe I can arrange to move in to dormitory which certain information that I got the job. 

Days passed, interview process took more than I expected. I believe I crashed at the interview and I am certain about it. On 11/10/2020 I was told that I got the job and on 15/10/2020 I was invited to talk about the contract. I still was staying at my friends and no words from dormitory. I accepted the offer and on Thursday I visited the 3 offices to find someone who could help me about the dormitories afterwards. The plan was to start working on 19/10/2020 which was Monday. Previous Friday I went to the dormitory office to camp there till I get a room in dormitories. I was confident that I will get a room because my application was accepted. After waiting all the hours, 1 hour before dormitory administration closes, I finally pushed through and got a room in dormitory and just ran to dormitory to make my check in and get the keys. Dormitory told me that they don't give rooms to non student people. I went back to central dormitory office and they said in that case they cannot give me a room. All plans crashed once again. On monday I was supposed to start working and I had only weekend to figure out something with limited money that I had. 

I was always a person to hesitate to ask people for favors, I didn't want to stay at my friends place since it already had been a month and I asked for week only. Finally I got out from my friends place and found a weekly rental place. I am perfectionist so I didn't want to rent a place since I am certain about the work. PS. They gave me a trial month so that's way I didn't want to make a contract of a year for a rental room. Finally with my girlfriend we found a weekly rental place on a new website that I wasn't able to really trust. On Sunday I stayed at my girlfriend and all my stuff was at a different friends place. I wore my clothes for Monday and went to my girlfriend's place. I messed up my shirt and my girl decided to wash. She was just trying to help but there wasn't enough time to dry my shirt. I asked for a shirt from her and I wore that shirt on my FIRST EVER working day. I wasn't able to sleep for last 2 days.

First day at work, I loved the co-workers, but suddenly there was an issue about legality of my contract since I was a foreigner and Poland sucks at foreigner policy. Half way through my first ever working day, my boss told me that they cannot made the contract legally so he offered me that the easiest way for me to go to Turkey and get visa with documents which they could give me. I said it is fine. I hadn't seen my family more then a year. But as I said, I didn't trust my skills and I had negative gut feelings about this guy who was my thesis supervisor as well. I researched all the possibilities and found a few different ways and decided it was the best to listen what my company told me and step back for a second.

This is the day that after all the homeless state, being broke, hustling sooo hard to land a IT job which proper knowledge and experience that I made my mind. I will take my plane ticket to Turkey in all this COVID-19 shit and trust in that guy that he will provide me with documents. I hustled so hard that I didn't know that I was capable of doing things. I didn't break down. But I started to believe in making steps backwards when it is essential. I will take a step backwards and let the situation handle itself at least for once. 

I just hope that things will go in a good way but I learnt in hard way that not everything can be solved by hustling. Sometimes you need to step down to see how things will go. And I really do believe that I did everything that in my power or even out of my power. 

We got each other on the way and along the way

2nd of August. This date is to be remembered forever. This is the day I called Cemal, Rasit and Mucahit. This is the day I told them "THE time has come". We were meant to be working together. It was the destiny written in 2008 and yet time just has come. Long time waiting for the date 02.08.2020. We had to wait 12 years to just say that time has come. We went under a rough path. We weren't the kids who entered to same high school together. We got each other on the way and along the way. The meaning of the call was the same yet delivering was different. For 7 years as we start, we lived the same, we were the same. Yet we all had our side of the moon in this world. Once it was said that the architect of modern world told that the best design has to be "familiarly new". And we were identically different. All these years of struggles, we were driven in our lives by the destiny, karma... what ever you want to call it. We dreamed big but we just dreamed. Now it is the time to build our dreams against all the odds that are thrown at us. Today is the day 1 of many coming days of glory and achievements. Today I asked all of them to figure out their biggest dreams that when comes true it leads to the moment; just stopping all of the sudden and breathing one deep breathe to realize what we have achieved and actually reached to the destination of our END point. It must be a moment of realization and pure joy that it should make us have chills and a few tears of being proud of the self.
We are going to make our first meeting of many for this cause at the end of September. I hope they all will dream till their mind goes crazy. But here is the catch. When we will meet, I will tell them to turn their world up side down. For days of dreaming the END, we will catch the way we think to forget all the things we have ever learnt. The dreams will be forgotten and haunting us. It will always be like we want to tell something but we can't put them into words but all the words will always be at the tip of our tongues. We will never thing of END point again, yet all we can think will be how to do to peace our minds. Every day is going to be hustle. That is way, the breathe will give us the tears and chill and glory and proud and happy....

Question Mark

What is the point of living? Why do we keep pushing ourselves to get to a point to call "yeah this is happiness". Is it buying new clothes, new phones, new cars, new houses? Everyone will answer of course no. Don't you feel happy when you buy something "new"? If this is a reason to live, then what is the limit here? It's all cliche that money can't buy happiness. As always, yes and no. I can't remember the name of the guy but the architecture or designer of the modern world is a guy from USA and once this wise man told the secret of best designs. "Familiarly new". This speaks for itself that new doesn't make you happy and you seek for familiarity. That's why we have countries. Doesn't matter how much you LOVE to travel, you go back home, to your country. Majority of people lives their lives in this manner and foundation of countries rely on to protect you IN YOUR LAND. Why do we have countries even now with all the visa, inequalities, poverty, war.... Some futurists tell that idea of country is falling apart, yet we are too far to lose this familiarity because we don't know another way of living. Once a good design is now what keeps us under the water as humanity.
Back to the topic, what is the point of living? Some may say it is the people you are surrounded with. Hard to say anything to that but this all modern crap, social media just teaches you to be an egoist individual. So do you think people care about others as much as in the past? I think no. Imagine that you are waiting a letter from your BFF for a month to read just one page of paper? Can you wait with excitement through the whole month? Now, you are not even able to wait or keep a major part of your brain to be on this event anymore. So what is the point?
They say people need passion in their lives to feel alive and joy. It is all over the world. Everyone knows that. Everyone accepts this as a FACT. Yet everyone keeps the information to themselves that not everyone is lucky to have a strong passion about something. And there is a reason for that. Nowadays, we have A LOOOOOT of options. It is wonderful to have many options right? Wrong... I won't even bother to write about having mental fatigue due to many options in a our daily lives. I will write about how many of these options actually we can try. As the majority, I bet people are only able to just try maybe 20% of this options that modern world offer to us. Why? poverty, lack of time, wrong place, wrong time, disabilities, opinion of others.... You can make your own list.
We are living so fast. Doing so many things in a day to just call it a day.
So again, what is the point?
In a windy day with the sun shining with all it has got, just remember the swinging of branches and leaves of a tree. As we are so proud to be the only animal with  such intelligence, ability of using tools etc, are YOU really different than the leaf on a branch ? Newton's physics law, when there is an action, there is always a reaction. So the whole new era of butterfly effect.
Harmony... Harmony is good but not always the one with good news to us. So why do I need to keep this harmony running ? Doesn't matter if you are a believer or not, you are going to die. Maybe you will go to your heaven or pure nothingness.
We come to this word with only thing we have. Time. Yet time is nothing alone. Time is the helper to us to forget and time is the enemy that kills us one day.
All these stuff, like Yin and Yang. Good and evil. Day and night. Pure harmony.
It all makes sense to see Yin and Yang at the end right? But this is not the answer to my question. This is answer to how living works?
So once again, what is the point of living?

one more trash to the internet

Hi anyone if reads this. I do not think that anyone ever gonna see that. So why i do write here ? I do not fucking know even. To relax maybe. Or jealousy that some people actually manage to earn some money from blogs. lol. I am not ambitious about earning money on here. Well even if i did, look the fucking blog, it is not even paid host and webpage. In past when i was writing, some people were reading it acutally or at least Blogger was showing it like that. I always wanted to believe that someone really read my post. But come on I am trying to convince myself like that. For one post which i wrote in Turkish, it was seen from USA or other countries. Who am I lying to?

You know actually each time, I feel like it has been a while so lets write something for my beloved fans. So that here i am again.

Actually this time, i am going to try something new. "Interactive Post". Sounds cool right?. Okay, this is the plan. I am gonna write my instagram profile here and whoever reads this f.cking post, just send me a middle finger emoticon on DM as a secret code of this post.

My profile is Acemi159

Don't let me down guys, Please :D
Peace out!

özledim...

               Sadece bende mi bu sevgi duygusuna olan tutku. Yada tek hissettiğim sürekli hissettiğim bu his mi beni ele geçiren. Başka insanlar nasıl acaba? Onlar neler hissediyorlar. Onlar neleri özlüyorlar. Peki ya sen ? en çok seni merak ediyorum. Neler hissediyorsun ? finallerin bitti mi ? bitse de bitmese de sen bu saatte ayaktasındır bilirim. Müziklerinlesindir belki de. Yada hayatındaki yeni kişiyle. Kıskanamıyorum da biliyor musun. Belki kabullenemeyiş belki de kendime ceza. Senin mutluluğunu önemsiyorum. Şimdi demek ne kadar komik dimi. Bana bile öyle geldiğine göre seni düşünemiyorum bile. Doğrusu belki de seni üzmek istemiyorum daha fazla olabilir. Senin büyük sözlerin vardı benim delip geçtiğim. Hayatta hep büyük söz edenlerin sözleriyle imtihan edileceğini düşünürdüm. Ve bu imtihanda yenileceklerini tabiki. Sende öyleydin başlarda. Ancak şu anda sözlerini tutuyorsun. Sen benim tabularımı da yıktın. Yahut ben yıktım. Ben çaldım ben oynadım ikimizle ilgili görüyorum ki. Sen sevdin. Ve ben oynadım. Artık yazmakta rahatlamıyor biliyor musun. Çünkü buna bile alışıyorum. Sana alışıyorum. Senin yokluğunla artan içimdeki sana alışıyorum. Bazen oturup film izliyoruz. Bazen oturup saatlerce sohbet ediyoruz. Sen yine benim kızarmış patatesimi yiyorsun benden önce yiyorsun elbette. Şarkılar söylüyorsun yine. Ve ben gözlerimi senden ayırmıyorum. Seninle yine iddialaşıyoruz. Bahis sen gözlerini benden önce ayırmayacaksın. Artık yapabiliyorsun da. Tabi ki bende hileye başvuruyorum ve saniyeleri saymaya başlıyorum. 10 a varmadan gözlerini kaçırıp sinir oluyorsun bana. Bense seni kucaklayıp iyice sıkıyorum. Kokunu içime çekiyorum. Sende küçük bir kız çocuğu gibi sesini inceltip sırnaşıyorsun bana. Yüzünü yere eğip gözlerini öylece yukarı dikiyorsun bana ve alt dudağını aşağı sarkıtıyorsun masumca. Süt dökmüş kedi deyiminin sebebinin sen olduğunu düşünüyorum böyle zamanlarda. İçimde kıpır kıpır oluyor. Tarifsiz bir duygu. Gözlerim dolacak kadar duygulu seni tamamen sahiplenecek kadar cesur. Ben sana sarılıyorum ve sen benim oluyorsun. Zaman bizim oluyor. Dünya bizim oluyor. Evren bizim oluyor. Gezegenler, güneş hatta tüm yıldızlar bizim etrafımızda dönüyor o anda. Bu an nasıl bitiyor bilmiyoruz hiç. Bir sebeple duran zaman tekrar işliyor ve biz tekrar dünyanın etrafında dönüyoruz. Özledim seni. Özledim…

Ve Gittin...

Zaman gibiydin benim için. Var oldun ve akıp gittin kollarımdan. Tutamadım seni.. Tutamazdım da çünkü gitmeliydin.. ve gittin…

Değişim

     Değişim çok zor bir zanaat. Elinde olması gerekenler en az 1 adet alışkanlık ve bir tutam da önyargı. Bu ufacık bir tarifle hayatınızdaki yenilikleri bir sinek gibi kovabilirsiniz! Bugün yıllardır düşünmekten bile itinayla uzak durmaya çalıştığım, mevzu bahis olduğunda dahi bakışlarımı uzaklaştırdığım ve sustuğum ancak her anıyla neredeyse içinde olduğum bir olayla yüz yüze gelmek zorunda kaldım. İçine doğduğunuz aile aslında alışkanlıkların en büyüğüdür. Hayattaki yaşam sürenizle orantılı olarak uzun vadeli olan bu alışkanlığı değiştirmek demek benim için zor bir şey. Belki biraz da kıskanıyor olabilirim benim olanı elimden alıyorlar diye. Bugün yukarıdaki girişten de anlaşıldığı gibi "Hayırlı bir iş"in temelinin atıldığı gün oldu. iki aile aradaki tek bağlantı noktası dışında birbirini hiç tanımadan bir oturma odasında toplantılar. Bunun öncesi daha mühim tabi. Benim yıllarda düşünmeyi geçiştirdiğim ve düşünmekten dahi kaçtığım olay bir emri vaki şeklinde ve ansızın gerçekleştirildi. Peki ben bundan şu anda şikayetçi miyim yahut sinirli miyim? Değilim..  Ancak bu bir "Hayat Dersidir".
    İnsanlar alışkanlıkları olmadan bir hiçtirler. Ki en büyük alışkanlığımız her sabah uyanmak değil midir? İşte buradaki olay ise bu tanışmadan ve yüzleşmeden sonrasını hiç düşünmemekti. Bunu düşünmeme ben vesile olmasam da bir an için düşündüm. Kıskançlığımı şöyle bir kenara ittim. İçimde zangır zangır titreyen inim inim inleyen alışkanlığımı rafa kaldırdım. Orada uzaklarda bazı güzel şeyler gördüm. Hoşuma gidecek. Yeni ama beni mutlu edecek. İlginçti. Hiç böyle düşünmemiştim. Belki de bundan dolayı o kadar rahattım bugün. Büyük bir deneyimdi benim için.
Hem deneyi yapan kişi hemde denektim bu deneyde.